October 27th - "The Due Date"

October 27th, 2006: As you may or may not know (and you probably don't), I was supposed to be a dad tomorrow. I discovered in late February that my lovely wife Whitney was pregnant, which was certainly welcome news, as we had been working on it since October of the previous year. Young couples often don't really know how easy or hard it will be for them to have a child until they try. "Well, that wasn't hard," I thought to myself. We did some handy calculations and confirmed that our due date of our first child was to be October 27th, 2006.

The Scene: So, a couple of weeks went by, and we were definitely sure Whitney was pregnant. Being the engineer that I am, I had her use three different brands of pregnancy tests at three different times of day, and when they all came out positive, I was convinced at last. It was soon time to go in for our first ultrasound appointment (and my first trip to the OBGYN). It was certainly an interesting experience. Finally, the time came for us to see what God had made inside of Whitney on the ultrasound. And there he/she was -- a little nugget of a boy -- or girl! Little did I know that something wasn't right. I sat there and just stared in awe as the doctor kept measuring the baby over and over again on the screen. Then the doctor says in a timid voice, "What I'm not hearing is a heartbeat." "Maybe you should turn the volume up," I think to myself. And then it hit me as I looked into the faces of all the women in the room. Our baby's heart isn't beating. He/she is only 8 or 9 weeks old, but might have only made it to 7. In a whirlwind of emotion, the next thing I know is that we're scheduling a surgery for Whitney to "clear the contents." In a period of 5 minutes I go from seeing proof of my first baby to hearing the same proof being referred to as "contents." I hold back the tears the best I could, and we finally and mercifully leave the hospital several mintues later.

Thoughts: So, believing in a God who is in control of all things, even the suffering of his own, I immediately had the thought go through my head that God took my baby away -- but not in an accusing tone or even in a questioning tone, but more like what Job went through when he said, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Then I think stupid things such as "perhaps I'm being punished for something I've done -- no, Eric, Jesus was punished for your sins, God wouldn't do that" or "did I do something wrong to hurt the child?" Pointless thoughts. And not profitable. God is in control and works all things for my sanctification, so that is what is being done. And then it hit me as we drove home... That song! That song makes sense now!
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HYMN SPOTLIGHT: "Sometimes A Light Surprises"

Song Title: "Sometimes A Light Surprises"
Artist: Indelible Grace, Lead Vocal: Derek Webb
Album: Pilgrim Days
Writer: William Cowper

Sometimes a light surprises, The Christian while he sings
It is the Lord who rises, With healing in His wings
When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining, To cheer it after rain

In holy contemplation, We sweetly then pursue
The theme of Gods salvation, And find it ever new
Set free from present sorrow, We cheerfully can say
Let the unknown tomorrow, Bring with it what it may

Tomorrow can bring us nothing, But He will bear us through
Who gives the lilies clothing, Will clothe His people too
Beneath the spreading heavens, No creature but is fed
And He who feeds the ravens, Will give His children bread

Though vine nor fig-tree neither,
Their wonted fruit should bear
Though all the fields should wither,
Nor flocks or herds be there
Yet God the same abiding, His praise shall tune my voice
For while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice!
For while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice!

Why this hymn: Not only does this song speak to suffering, but rejoicing in suffering because we know a God who is full of provision, and when we really think of what we've been given in life through Christ, we have no choice but to rejoice. After the miscarriage, I listened to this song probably around 300 times in a two week period -- and probably 100 times since. No joke. It became my favorite song and may always be. I can think of no better song to relate this painful experience to.

Why I like it: Well, it doesn't hurt that Derek Webb is the lead singer of the particular song I listened to, since he is one of favorites, and it certainly doesn't hurt that the song was written by William Cowper, who also wrote "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood" among other great ones. I became familiar with Cowper through John Piper's "The Hidden Smile of God." I love the wealth of scripture in this song. I love it that it deals with suffering but overcomes it in each stanza. And when in a period of suffering, I think the best medicine may be a reason to rejoice.

Related Scripture: Matthew 6 :25-34, Jeremiah 5:16-18, Habakkuk 3:17-18

Favorite Line: "For while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice!" I can't help myself. Each time the song comes to this point, I want to yell it (also because I can't sing). It's truly the pinnacle of realization of all things considered: what God provides, how faithful God is, what I've been saved from, what it cost to save me, etc. Time for rejoicing indeed.
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Moving On: I'm not really sure "moving on" is the best title of this paragraph, but whatever. You can't really move on, but we took some steps. We named our child that never made it past 7 weeks "Deron" after my favorite basketball player Deron Williams. He too left a little early, going pro after his junior year at Illinois, and he now plays for the Utah Jazz. It may sound weird, but I can't see him without thinking of his great performance on Easter Eve, 2004 -- and the joy that it brings me. Whitney never liked the name "Deron," but it fits this situation -- as we found out that the name means "belongs to God." Yes indeed.

Present Day: Well, now I have about a half hour or so until 2006 OCT 27 is here. I still have random times when I am saddened about that tough March day and simply cry. Sometimes it last seconds, sometimes minutes. And each time I see a baby now I weep some on the inside and hold it in. And believe me, I see a lot of them. But God is good. He will give us a child if he deems it best, and the day will come in tune with his perfect timing. I have a feeling that our day may come sooner rather than later. We'll see.

For Parents: If you are a parent, don't take it for granted. One day I hope to be able to read this book I bought - "The Duties of Parents" by J.C. Ryle. Here are some duties you have if you have children:

1.) First, then, if you would train your children rightly, train them in the way they should go, and not in the way they would.
2.) Train up your child with all tenderness, affection, and patience.
3.) Train your children with an abiding persuasion on your mind that much depends on you.
4.) Train with this thought continually before your eyes -- that the soul of your child is the first thing to be considered.
5.) Train your child to a knowledge of the Bible.
6.) Train them to a habit of prayer.
7.) Train them to habits of diligence, and regularity about public means of grace.
8.) Train them to a habit of faith.
9.) Train them to a habit of obedience.
10.) Train them to a habit of always speaking the truth.
11.) Train them to a habit of always redeeming the time.
12.) Train them with a constant fear of over-indulgence.
13.) Train them remembering continually how God trains his children.
14.) Train them remembering continually the influence of your own example.
15.) Train them remembering continually the power of sin.
16.) Train them remembering continually the promises of Scripture.
17.) Train them, lastly, with continual prayer for a blessing on all you do.