More Than Watchmen For The Morning

Psalm 130:5-6 - "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning."

If you have been reading this blog very long (or if you just know me well), you'll know that it was right about a year ago when my wife and I lost our first child early on in the pregnancy, finding out on the day of the first ultrasound that our baby had no detectable heartbeat. I wrote about it last October on the child's due date. For a couple who really wanted to have a child, it's been a difficult year. My wife's thyroid went haywire sometime in the last year or so, and her body has been on a hormone roller coaster for sometime now. Nearly everyone we knew had babies. For 6 consecutive months (August, September, October, November, December, and January), my wife was anywhere between 2-5 days late, giving us false hope and reason to buy pregnancy test after pregnancy test, all with the same results...negative. As a big sports fan of the Minnesota Vikings and Illinois Fighting Illini, I have gotten used to disappointment...in fact, I have actually come to expect it. Unfortunately, this attitude can sometime overlap into other areas of life. It's not as painful to expect disappointment compared to getting your hopes up only to have them crushed. Though I hate to admit it, I was about done with the whole trying to get pregnant thing when the new year came around. Then I ran into the 21st chapter of my Elijah book. A.W. Pink examines 7 characteristics of Elijah's prayer for rain in 1 Kings 18 - 1.) He withdrew from the crowds to pray. 2.) His posture was one of great humility. 3.) His prayer was based on a divine promise. 4.) His prayer was definite and to the point. 5.) His prayer was fervent. 6.) His prayer was a great demonstration of watchfulness. 7.) He persevered in his supplication. I'm about to make a really long post, but I wanted to stress this seventh point. "And he said to his servant, Go up now, look toward the sea. And he went up, and looked, and said, There is nothing." "'Nothing': nothing in the sky, nothing arising out of the sea to intimate the approach of rain. " This is how I felt every month...but Elijah didn't give up there...in fact, it took 7 looks until even a cloud as small as a man's hand was seen. Needless to say, when I read through this chapter, which was about a month and a half ago, I put down the book, got on my knees and asked God for a child, but in a different way than before. Now I'm not one to say that a person's amount of faith determines God's answers to prayer, but I think that as a Christian, one needs to accept that God does right, even when the answer is no. For the first time I think I realized that though the answer may be yes, even Elijah, who makes me look all the more rotten, had to wait to get the answer he knew was coming!

On March 5th, bright and early in the morning, my wife woke me up with the simple words, "Eric, I'm pregnant!" I hardly knew what to say (probably since I was still asleep). I had been dreaming that night of three different women that I knew who were pregnant in the dream. I think I uttered something like "how about that" and went back to sleep, as a man in no need to jump for joy at the moment but to simply relax in the moment that our God is good.

Now I could've made this post really short...saying 'Whitney is pregnant, praise God, pray for us!,' but that's not my style. I want to write about it because I don't always verbalize a lot of what I think. Now what?

For starters, we are both extremely excited but afraid at the same time. Still not knowing if Whitney's body can fully handle a child, we dread the thought of bringing another fetus into the world that may not live a day out of the womb. I am petrified deep inside at the possible disappointment that I've come to expect in life. I've told a couple of friends who've gone through a miscarriage more than once that I cannot imagine their pain. I can't. We wrestled again and again with what to say about our situation. Do we tell the family? What about friends? Should we wait until after the first ultrasound? What if we jinx the situation by saying something too soon? Well...let me go on record in saying that I don't believe in jinxes. I believe in a sovereign God who holds all things in his grip and who works all things for the good of those who love him. This same God allows and even ordains his beloved to go through numerous pains and sufferings, all for a greater purpose that we may not be able to see. Did I take the first pregnancy for granted? Sure I did. Of course, I knew the possibility of a miscarriage existed, but it didn't occur to me that it would happen to us. The things I have learned are priceless. I have a greater appreciation for the miracle of life. I have a greater dependence on God as the giver and sustainer of all life. So why not tell everyone we are pregnant again? We've got a great group of friends and family who supported us the first time and will be glad to do so again. Why profess a belief in a truly sovereign God, the captain of our salvation, if we don't live it out? Let's be thankful for the blessings God gives us whether they are short lived or not. For now, I no longer want to hold back the joy I have for the fear of the unknown. This is not basketball. Sure, it's a given that Illinois will blow a 10 point lead with 4 minutes to go, but God has created life from nothing - and he has given this life to us to cherish, pray for, and protect. I shall do so.

Hmm...you think it's a coincidence that we had 6 false alarms before going back the 7th time to find out God had provided...just like Elijah? Ha, coincidence...a funny thing...does it even exist? I laugh at coincidence and hope that my wife lets me name our first son Elijah. And God willing, we'll get that chance in early November. Thanks so much for your prayers.